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A sex act that many men expect but then won’t reciprocate

If you’re a woman sharing bed sheets with a man, chances are you’ve experienced the sexual phenomena that Nikki Glaser discusses in her latest stand-up, Good Clean Poop.

“They don’t look down on us that much,” the comedian complained.

“There were certain people who were really outspoken about it, and we just let it go.”

Glaser talks about the unsettling normalization of women who are expected to perform oral without reciprocation from their male partners — a practice famously endorsed by DJ Khaled, who controversially bragged that he believed there were “different rules for men” in a 2015 interview about his sex life with his wife.

What is most striking about the oral sex gap, however, is the difference between how women are conditioned to perceive a task when doing it, as opposed to accepting it.

I routinely hear female colleagues express their concern that it’s “too much hard work” to get off the ground, then discuss “giving heads” over cocktails as if it were something as nonchalant and casual as a handshake.

Women tend to have oral sex even when their partners don’t reciprocate.
Getty Images

There is an unspoken agreement among heterosexual women that oral sex is a necessary component of dating and sleeping with men – a kind of sexual obligation recognized by Sex & The City’s Samantha Jones, famously commented: “Honey, they don’t call it a ‘job’ for no reason!”

And this is not an anecdote. A study published in Canadian Journal of Human Sexuality revealed that 63 percent of men received oral sex as part of their most recent sexual encounter, while only 44 percent of women said the same.

This is despite the fact that more than half of the women surveyed said having a partner go downtown was the most reliable way for them to climax.

An informal survey of friends revealed common reasons cited for verbal refusal were “I really only do that with girlfriends”, “My neck hurts” and “That’s none of my business”.

However, the same women said that their male partner was still expected to be the one to accept the act, and that they felt pressured to do so, even when they didn’t enjoy it.

It’s also worth noting that, every time I post something on social media about this issue, I run into men who complain that women are odor- or taste-repellent, insisting that this is why they don’t go downtown. One man even oddly described the vulva as a “stinky roast beef flap” in a recent comment.

But frankly, as someone who’s also slept with women and hasn’t come across a vulva that I find disgusting, I wonder if this guy really likes and is genuinely attracted to women.

Regardless, this attitude remains generally annoying, perpetuating shame and misinformation around natural vaginal odor. You really just have to take a walk down the supermarket toiletry aisle for proof of this.

The popularization of so-called “intimate cleansing” designed to scent the female genitals shows how pervasive the narrative that the vulva needs constant renovation to be pleasing to men.

Of course, there’s no male equivalent – ​​no douches or washes aimed at targeting unpleasant penis odors (which most women secretly deal with) – because men’s bodies don’t face the same level of scrutiny as women.

We’ve never heard a man shyly ask, “Does that… taste/smell okay?” When having a partner venture south, however, women remain in a constant state of alertness around their partner’s perception of their genitals.

An unforgettable scene in the 2017 movie captured, in which Emily (played by comedian Amy Schumer) is caught sticking her foot in the washroom sink to flush herself, then sheepishly joking with her date, “It’s not what it seems. I just washed my vagina in case we had sex,” capturing the ubiquitous experience among people with vulvas; most of them, at some stage in their sex life, have male partners who say their natural smell is unacceptable.

And while there’s an entire industry aimed at convincing women that their vulvas will only deserve the same attention they give their partners when they’re odorless, hairless, and perfectly symmetrical; the truth is, there is no vaginal deformity or odor epidemic going on.

Just a plague of male sexual rights and laziness.

Because, regardless of what women believe to be brainwashed, sex is supposed to be a trade-off.

A partner who expects something from you while showing zero investment in your pleasure is basically someone who doesn’t view you as an equal, or even a complete human being. (Incidentally, this is also the guy who thinks half a dozen pumps before collapsing on top of you is breakthrough sex.)

If you have a vulva, take it from a woman I’ve never met with a problem: there’s nothing wrong with your body. So ditch those dodgy vaginal soaps that take up precious space in your bathroom, and get rid of your selfish boyfriend while you’re at it.


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